


Be Yourself

by LetoaSai



Series: Pen Pals [3]
Category: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Change happens and that's okay, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Cloud, Living Together, M/M, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Squall, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Slurs, Texting, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 09:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20525585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetoaSai/pseuds/LetoaSai
Summary: Meshing two lives together could be hard and Cloud and Squall were more worried about inconveniencing the other than being put out themselves. Fortunately Squall is eager to prove that he loves Cloud no matter how he presents.





	Be Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any version of Final Fantasy

He was the worst, the absolute worst. He wasn’t dependable and only let people down. This is why he couldn’t have friends.

“It’s not your fault.” Squall said for what must have been the sixth time. “No one can force you to be ready.” 

“I know that in theory,” Cloud muttered, curled up on the couch and staring at his phone. He’d had plans with Aerith, Yuffie, and Tifa today but had canceled due to his pathetic nerves and petty secrets. 

He’d been in Radiant Garden for a few weeks now and was delighted to have actually made a few friends. The problem with that however was that they did not know he was male most days. He had met Aerith and the others on one of his femme days and as far as he knew, they didn’t expect him to be anything but a woman. 

Fear kept him from telling them the truth and the guilt gnawed at him on days like this were he was feeling perfectly male and had to make up excuses to not show up. The fact that Aerith was always so understanding made him feel worse, but she expected it had more to do with his anxiety than his gender. 

Squall appeared at his side and kissed the top of Cloud’s head. “You are you. Perfect the way you are and if you’re not ready to tell them, then that’s your business.” 

Cloud nodded weakly, wishing he had the courage to tell his new friends to truth but he was just so damn scared of losing them, or worse, receiving bad reactions. What if they didn’t like him anymore? What if he wasn’t welcome at The Chapel for afternoon tea anymore? What if they said it was okay but treated him different? What if-

“Wolf,” Squall said affectionately, gently stroking his fingers down Cloud’s cheek. “Baby, you’re overthinking things again. You’re going to make yourself sick.” 

“Don’t mean too.” Cloud sighed. “I just feel bad for bailing on them.” 

Squall shrugged, always the first to be so kindly understanding. “You can’t predict how you’ll feel in advanced and that’s okay.” He sat on the couch beside him and slung an arm over Cloud’s shoulders. “What would make you happy?” 

There was the smallest moment of thought before Cloud tipped his head back with a small smile. Squall took the invitation in a second, brushing their lips together gently once, twice, three times before he pulled away again. 

“Why don’t we go somewhere? You can still get out of the apartment and stretch your legs today.” 

Cloud winced and that worry reappeared. “Where?” he asked cautiously, already ashamed of his tone.

“We don’t have to go anywhere near The Chapel.” Squall said, guessing the reason far too quickly. 

“I’m sorry.” Cloud said suddenly. Not only was Cloud’s anxiety ruling and ruining his own life, but Squall’s too. Everyone down main street knew Cloud and Squall were together, but they only knew Cloud as a woman. It was selfish, but if they ever saw Squall with a man on his arm it wouldn’t take much for them to figure out who it was. “I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t want an apology.” Squall said, kissing Cloud’s temple. “Because you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m not upset and i’m not rushing you. We can go somewhere else.” 

Cloud sighed and turned enough to curl up against Squall’s side. It was one of the most comforting things he’d ever experienced. He’d been alone his entire life, receiving little to no physical contact with anyone and being degraded by the ones he was forced to live with. The only comfort he’d ever had were the letters he’d received from a boy his age from across the country. 

Being able to see him, touch him, feel his sincerity in person every bit as much as he could in his written words was a godsend. 

“I’m sorry…” 

“I love you.” Squall said instead obviously switching topics. He tugged Cloud as close as he could be without actually being in Squall’s lap. “Let me take you out on a date. We’ll go to lunch. Why don’t we go to the thrift store again.” 

Cloud tilted his head back again to look at up at him. “We got the extra dresser already.” 

“Mhm,” Squall hummed, “But they have that new little music section. Why don’t we see if we can find out a guitar or something. You haven’t gotten to play since Hojo smashed your last one.” 

Cloud’s face broke out into a smile before he could help it. “That’s not a necessity though.” 

“Our necessities are more or less handled. We can spoil ourselves every now and then.” Squall muttered, pulling Cloud into a kiss. They were getting better then their first few shy attempts. 

“How exactly does you buying me a present spoil you?” Cloud asked, fingers sliding into Squall’s hair. Just a little attention and a little contact and his previous anxiety was fading. 

“Because i’ve only ever heard you play over the phone. This gets me my own private concert.” 

Cloud went scarlet, that little smile refusing to leave. “That sounds nice. I’ll get dressed.” 

“If you have to.” Squall’s eyes scanned him appreciatively, getting a teasing slap to his cheek in response when Cloud stood. 

“I’m not going outside half naked.” Cloud snorted. “If i did this possessive lion would show up like he always does.” 

Squall made a face and didn’t deny the truth. “Okay, that’s true.”

“Don’t worry, Squall. I like my lions growly.” Cloud said, wandering back towards their shared bedroom. “I’ll be ready in just a minute.” 

“Mm…” Squall eyed him as he walked away, stare chasing Cloud into the room.

~

Griever (12:55 p.m.): How did i lose you? Why is this place like a maze. 

Fenrir (12:58 p.m.): Weren’t you the one telling me not to get lost? 

Griever (12:59 p.m.): My attention was caught. Not my fault. Where are you? 

Fenrir (1:01 p.m.): I dunno. 

Griever (1:01 p.m.): Cloooooud 

Fenrir (1:02 p.m.): Fuck you’re cute..

Griever (1:04 p.m.): I need an adult 

Fenrir (1:05 p.m.): You are an adult 

Griever (1:07 p.m.): If that were the case i wouldn’t be looking at an old Atari 

Fenrir (1:07 p.m.): XD 

Griever (1:08 p.m.): It has games...and controllers… 

Fenrir (1:09 p.m.): Get it!

Cloud couldn’t help his laughter or the fondness that swelled up inside him. Squall always made things better and always understood when Cloud still had his insecure days. 

He sat on the floor, an old acoustic guitar in his lap. He had been delighted to find it and in such good shape too. Someone had carved flowers into the neck and it had clearly been well loved. He hoped to be able to continue loving it. 

It had been over a year since he played but his fingers brushed across the strings like an old friend. His neighbor growing up had been a music teacher and on certain days when he couldn’t go home, he wound up at her place. The first time he’d been hiding on her porch but once she found him, she’d invited him in. 

She was always dependable and often fed him when Hojo was in one of his cruddy moods. He was still just a child when she offered to teach him to play just to pass the time. He took to it as the only affection he could hold onto with both hands. 

Cloud played quietly, eyes closed as the song appeared out of thin air. Tune’s he’s created himself years before returned to him with ease and it wasn’t until he felt fingers on the back of his neck that he realized he’d forgotten where he was as he played. 

“It’s beautiful.” Squall muttered, having evidently followed the music to Cloud. “And you look beautiful playing.” 

Cloud blushed and grinned up at Squall. “You...mean it? That part about the music?” 

“I meant both parts.” Squall said, looking down at the guitar. “This the one? It looks like it’s in great condition and the songs was beautiful.” 

“Yeah,” Cloud patted it affectionately. “This is the one. Are you really getting the Atari?” 

“Yeah, did i mention it came with games too?” Squall chuckled, offering Cloud his hand to help pull him to his feet. “We’re gonna play the hell out of this tonight, but first i promised my little lone wolf lunch.” 

“My you are spoiling me.” Cloud snorted, linking his free arm with Squalls as they went to pay. Days like this were by far their favorite, able to share their thoughts the second they had them instead of relying only on texts and emails. 

“You want pizza or something more fancy?” Squall asked. 

Cloud smiled. “If we keep eating pizza we’re gonna have to add the gym to our date nights.” 

“Eh, that might not be a horrible idea.” 

“Squall!” 

The both jumped, fairly startled by the outburst but there was no time to respond before three woman appeared. Cloud’s grip on Squall’s arms tightened but Squall only sighed, evidently knowing them. 

“It’s okay.” Squall whispered. “They don’t bite.”

“You should have told us you were heading down here! We would have met you earlier.” 

“Who’s your friend?” 

“Gaia, can’t you two stay out of their date,” the third chuckled at the surprise the other two wore. 

Squall sighed again, “These are my friends. Rinoa, Selphie and a very intuitive Quistis. This is Cloud.” 

Cloud waved shyly but was unprepared for the stunned delight all three women had. 

“Really!?” Rinoa grinned. “I can’t tell you how long i’ve wanted to meet you. Anyone who can sweep Squall off his feet has to be quite something.” 

“You’re freaking gorgeous.” Selphie laughed, the sound happy. “He wouldn’t even show us a picture.” 

“Because it’s none of your business.” Squall muttered, but Cloud noted the touch of pink to his face.

“It’s nice to meet you, Cloud.” Quintis smiled. 

Cloud smiled back, his heart thrashing in his chest. As his first time meeting some of Squall’s friends he wanted to make a good impression but his knees were already weak and his grip on Squall tightened to the point where it must have been painful. It should have been embarrassing to nearly hide behind Squall but that didn’t matter now. “I’ve um, heard a lot about all of you.”

“Awe, Squall loves us.” Selphie laughed, but again it was a genuinely happy sound. She was clearly very fond of Squall even when teasing him. 

“I didn’t realize you’d come to visit again.” Rinoa said, excitement calming somewhat. Neither were going to volunteer the information that Cloud had moved in with Squall instead of coming for a simple visit. “I’m really glad you have though. All of us go to dinner often. If you’re still here next time you should come.” 

“Rinoa.” Squall sighed. “We talked about this.” 

“Well he should know that he’s more than welcome should he choose to come.” Rinoa shrugged. 

“Everyone would love to meet you.” Selphie beamed. “I mean, shoot, we could probably have everyone meet us for lunch if we wanted.” 

“No.” Quistis said firmly. “What part of ‘date’ are you two having trouble with? We’ve butt in enough. We can make plans another day.”

“Thank you Quistis.” Squall chuckled, reaching up to pull Cloud’s hand off his arm and instead laced their fingers together. “I’ll see you three at school tomorrow.” 

“Okay, okay. Nice meeting you, Cloud.” Selphie said with a soft smile, heading deeper into the store with a not so sneaky glance back. Rinoa and Quistis both offered smiles, the former playfully slapping Squall’s arm as they passed. 

“C’mon.” Squall said, handing Cloud his guitar off the counter and grabbing his own bag. “Lets go to lunch.” 

Cloud fidgeted, looking back over his shoulder to see if any of the girls were still within sight. “We could have invited them or something…” 

“Nope.” 

“Squall…” Squall held the door open for him and they headed towards his car. 

“What? I’m sorry i’m selfish. I just am.” 

Cloud blinked, backtracking through the conversation to figure out where they’d parted ways. “I meant… i mean if you wanted to hang out with them, i could handle it.” 

Squall shook his head and opened the trunk for them to put their things away. “Cloud. No. It’s not about that.” He paused. “Not entirely. I am not a spontaneous person and they know that. I do not like changing my plans while i’m in the middle of them. I am happy about my plans today and i don’t want to change them. Quistis at least remembered that.” He reached out to touch Cloud’s face. “And i might not be ready to share you yet.” 

Cloud’s lips twitched until he smiled, leaning closer to brush a soft kiss across Squall’s mouth. “Promise? Promise it wasn’t because of me?” 

Squall smiled. “Yes. Granted, i wouldn’t have done that to you anyway. Now that you’ve met them once maybe next time will be easier.” 

“Okay.” Cloud said, feeling the tension he didn’t know was there draining from his body. He slumped against Squall, letting his boyfriend hold him. “They seemed nice.” 

“They are, just nosy. Not unlike Yuffie.” 

“I’d like to meet them.” Cloud muttered, “Really i do. My stomach just ties into knots at the thought.” 

Squall hummed, pressing a kiss to Cloud’s hair. “Well think of it this way. You have met them now. Pressure is gone.”

Cloud’s lips stretched into a slow smile. It was just one more example of Squall saying the right thing when he needed to hear it most. “Yeah. I hope so.” 

“Let’s go eat.” Squall squeezed him closer. “Will you play for me more when we get home? I’d love to hear more things you’ve composed." 

Cloud pulled away, a shy smile appearing. “Yeah.” 

“Good. Let’s go.” 

~

Griever (2:44 p.m.): Are you still having tea with Aerith this afternoon? 

Fenrir (2:49 p.m.): yes? That’s okay right?

Fenrir (2:50 p.m.): are you still going to the shooting range?

Griever (2:50 p.m.): of course it’s okay, wolf. I didn’t meant to freak you out. I just need a favor if you have time. 

Fenrir (2:52 p.m.): anything

Griever (2:53 p.m.): can you bring my my wallet? I must have left it on the kitchen counter or something. I won’t be able to get in without it. 

Fenrir (2:53 p.m.): Oh

Fenrir (2:55 p.m.): I found it. Do you want me to meet you at school or the range?

Griever (2:57 p.m.): Range. You’re a life saver my love. You’ll have time right? 

Fenrir (2:58 p.m.) Yep. I’m gonna go ahead and leave now though. I’ll meet you at the entrance. Love you

Griever (2:59 p.m.): Absolutely all my love

Squall put his phone away as the bell for the end of the day rang. He’d gone to school early that day because of a project and had ended up carpooling with Zell. Zell also had a safe in his trunk and that made it the perfect place for them to keep their guns for the day. Every so often Squall went to the shooting range for practice with Zell and Irvine and today was one of those days. He hadn’t realized until lunch that he’d forgotten his wallet and therefore, his i.d. 

“Do we have to swing by your place?” Irvine asked, catching up with Squall in the hallway. 

“No i worked it out.” Squall shrugged. “Won’t be a problem. Just gotta stop by my locker.” 

“Same.” Irvine yawned. “We’ll have to find Zell between there and the car. Who knows where his inpatient ass is.” 

Squall snorted. “In the car already.”

They each stopped by their lockers, located in the same hallway while they took what they needed for the weekend. The three of them usually went three or four times a month but they’d been slacking lately and Squall had missed the last time they’d gone altogether. Cloud coming to live with him had been exciting and time consuming and he wanted to soak up all of Cloud’s attention. 

Now they were slowly getting into their own routines and with Cloud starting to make plans with Aerith more often, he had no excuse not to as well. 

“Ah i see it in your posture. You’re going to go shoot things.” Rinoa chuckled, shutting her own locker. 

“Targets. Don’t mock me, i’m licenced.” Squall smiled. 

“Yeah, yeah. You could teach a course.” 

“I could.” Squall shrugged, letting her teasing brush off. 

“Yo Squall!” 

Squall sighed, good mood fading when he heard Seifer’s voice. The school day was over and he’d still try to get in one more dig like they were kids. Squall hadn’t cared since they were fourteen but still he tried to start a fight. 

“What’s with the nail polish? Getting even more girly as you get older. Long hair, nails done. Are heels and a dress next?” Seifer said, his own friends snickering behind him. 

“Maybe.” Squall deadpanned. “I’d probably be hot so why not? I’ll think about it. Thanks.” He added almost as an afterthought.

“You would.” Seifer sneered. 

Squall shrugged. “Why does that piss you off so much, man? Because i’m not afraid of who i am? Because i’ll be myself whatever that ends up being? If i wake up and feel like putting on a dress, i fucking will.” 

“Oh making yourself sound real tough that way.” Seifer snorted. “If you want attention that badly just say so.” 

“Come out of the closet already and stop projecting your bullshit at me.” Squall rolled his eyes. This prick was looking for a fight. “When i want attention from anyone, they’ll know about it. You’re the one who doesn’t know what you want.” 

Seifer’s eyes narrowed, drawing himself up to look bigger. “As if i need to take advice from some cross dressing queer.” 

“I assumed you wanted the advice since you’re the one always harping on my looks. My ass isn’t in this school for you to stare at. Find another cock to ride.” 

“You little pansy bitch!” Seifer snarled as Squall started walking away. 

“Woah there.” Irvine slid in front of Seifer. “Cool it. None of us are freshman anymore. We can’t afford to get into fights this close to graduating.” 

As it was, Seifer mostly ignored him. “Get back here, Leonhart!” 

“What an asshole. What a damn asshole.” Squall muttered, hardly feeling Rinoa grip his arm as they walked out of sight. 

“You pushed him too far this time.” She said. “He’s not going to forget any of that any time soon.” 

“Fucking whatever.” Squall snapped and his tone had Rinoa backing off. 

She took a good long look but it didn’t take a genius to figure out how well and truly pissed off Squall was. She patted his shoulder. “He hasn’t gotten to you like this in a long time.” 

He nearly growled, but she wasn’t the one he was angry at. He had to put as much distance between him and Seifer as he could and walked straight to the parking lot. “If he wants to think he can bully me, fine. He can comment on my looks and he can bring up the fact that i’m gay every time he sees me. I really don’t give a shit about that.” 

“But?” 

“But i’ll beat the fuck out of him next time he wants to mock someone for their personal identity. What if i did want to dress like a woman, Rinoa? What if i did? Do you have any idea how hard it is for gender fluid and trans people to figure out their identity. For some of them it’s so hard. For others it’s fucking terrifying.” 

She nodded once, trying to work out a reply when he kept going. 

“What if there was someone close by in the hallway who was struggling with that shit and now their terrified of being themselves because of a prick like Seifer. It’s so hard, Rinoa, it’s so damn confusing and bigoted people that don’t understand need to learn to mind their own fucking business.” 

“You’re right.” Rinoa said, squeezing his arm. “Of course you’re right.” 

“He has no idea what an off handed comment like that could do to a person. How much he could destroy someone’s confidence. Fuck he needs his ass kicked.” 

“And i am very relieved that you acted like an adult instead of on impulse.” She paused, “Personally i think it was more impactful that way. He was throwing a tantrum while you were being mature.” 

Squall huffed quietly and fought the urge to check his phone. “Dumb bastard.” 

“He is.” She was in a placating mood. “Just to be clear though.” She hesitated. “If you ever did want to wear a dress, that’s totally fine.” 

He actually stopped walking, brows quirked when it finally clicked. She’d thought he’d been talking about himself. “Thank you.” He said, brushing a quick kiss against her head while he continued walking to Zell’s car. “But I wasn’t talking me. It means a lot to me though that you wouldn’t judge me if it was.” 

“Of course not.” She hugged his arm. “You’re one of my best friends and i wouldn’t care. Hell, i wouldn’t care if you were a stranger.” 

“And the problem is, so many assholes do.” Squall sighed. “Words can hurt, you know?” 

“Man, why do i feel like i missed shit?” Zell asked, laying across the hood of his car. 

“You did,” Rinoa tried to smile. “Squall and Seifer almost got into a brawl.” 

Zell chuckled. “Well it has been about five months since their last near incident. We were due for a new one. No blood shed?” 

Squall shook his head. “No, but at least i’ll get to target practice my anger out.” 

“That’s the spirit!” Zell grinned. “What’s his problem this time?” 

“He’s still doing laps around the closet.” Squall rolled his eyes. 

Irvine was laughing, having heard the comment as he approached. “He’s practically spitting fire. He’s so mad right now.” 

“Whatever.” Squall took out his phone when he felt it vibrate. 

Fenrir (3:18 p.m.): I’m here 

Griever (3:18 p.m.): Be there in ten. Meet me out front? 

Fenrir (3:19 p.m.): ^__^

“Don’t go looking for fights.” Rinoa chided. “You three have fun. We should all go out to dinner again soon. I’ll text you some time this weekend.” 

“Sounds good.” Irvine agreed, slinging his arm over Squall’s shoulder. “Lets go before the range fills up.” 

Zell slid off his car. “Cool. Let’s go. See you, Rinoa.” 

She waved, heading off to her own car while the other three piled into Zell’s. It wasn’t a long drive and that was part of what made it convenient for them. Their interest in shooting had started young. Squall’s father had been a sharp shooter in the army and the thought of learning to shoot had been second nature to him as a boy. Those early days of wanting to be just like his father had passed but he still appreciated his father’s skills. 

His father had made sure he learned everything about gun safety before ever being allowed to touch one. He was never allowed to be reckless with it and had to always remember he was handling a weapon. At some point in his youth Irvine and Zell had shown similar interest the the process had started all over again. 

They almost always went to practice together, but given the fact that they would soon be graduating who knew how much free time they’d have in the near future. It was best to take advantage of these free afternoons. 

They arrived, each taking their bags out of Zell’s car and heading for the door to sign in. 

“Oh shit, did you ever find your wallet?” Zell asked. 

“I got it,” Squall said vaguely, smiling when he spotted Cloud sitting on a bench out front. Her hair was pulled back into some fancy curls on top of her head. She’d been watching hair tutorials off and on for the last week and practicing when she felt inclined to. Squall was no expert but fuck if he didn’t think it looked amazing. 

She wore a black and white sundress with black heels and Squall was ready to throw every compliment her way he could possibly think of. He knew she liked to dress up a little when she went to have tea with Aerith. Something about making it feel like a real tea party. 

“Fucking gorgeous.” Squall said, not stopping until he was directly in front of her, dropping his bag on the bench next to her. She looked up from her phone, eyes sparkling. 

“You think so?” 

“I’ve never lied to you. You’re so damn beautiful.” Squall said, breathing out a laugh when she stood up and she was practically his height because of the shoes. 

Cloud reached into her purse and pulled out his wallet that he pocketed a second later. “Delivery accomplished.” 

“Thank you. I’m sorry to put you out when you had plans.” 

“Whatever, i don’t have to be at The Chapel until four. Plenty of time.” Cloud smiled, positively glowing. 

Squall’s heart could have burst. Some days were so hard for Cloud, little things could ruin good vibes and sometimes it was old memories holding her down. Today she not only looked beautiful, but she looked happy. He loved it when she looked happy. 

It was all the more reason to kick Seifer’s ass and make sure Cloud never had to be around the prick. He reached out, cupping the back of Cloud’s head and gently tipping her head back to kiss. 

He’d meant it to be a little thing. Something to remind him that Cloud was okay and hadn’t heard any of the shit Seifer was spouting. Cloud was just fine, but kisses felt so good. Cloud almost purring against his lips was even better. 

“Is that the thank you i get for doing you a little favor?” Cloud asked, almost breathless. “I need to do more.” 

Squall laughed, pulling away and teasingly bumping his thumb against Cloud’s lips. “Not even smeared. Good lipstick.”

“Yeah, could be awkward for you if you went in there with pink lips.” Cloud laughed. 

“Whatever. I’d own it.” Squall grinned back, pecking his lips against hers one more time. “I’ll probably only be two hours. Three tops so i might beat you home. No rush though. You have a good time hanging out with Aerith.” 

“Well,” Cloud offered a shy smile. “If you’re hungry when you’re done you could text me? They could drop you off at the Chapel and we could go get something to eat.” 

Squall hummed, “That’s a good idea. I’ll see you there then.” 

“Love you.” 

“So much.” Squall echoed, reluctantly letting her pull away and head back into the parking lot. There was a moment he watched her go and stared impressed at her ability to walk in heels like it was something she did often. It was her first pair that hadn’t been in boot form. Fuck he was so proud of her. 

He grabbed his bag and turned back to the entrance where he’d forgotten about Irvine and Zell, both staring like fish out of water. 

“What?” 

“Who the fuck was that?” Irvine asked, still looking over Squall’s shoulder. 

“What?” Squall scowled, not wanting to hear any more bullshit today. 

Irvine gestured towards the parking lot. “She was beautiful!” 

“Oh.” Squall blinked, “Well, yeah?” 

“She’s also driving your car.” Zell noted. “Something you wanna share, Squall?” 

Squall sighed softly. He'd really forgotten about them the second he'd seen Cloud. “Like what?” 

“Like who was the pretty girl you were just kissing? I thought you were gay.” Irvine said, continuing quickly. “You know i don’t care either way but damn, Squall. I didn’t know you knew anyone like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“That freaking beautiful.” Irvine grinned. 

Zell snorted. “You can’t tell us there’s not a story there.” 

Squall shrugged and wandered inside with them right behind him. “She’s my girlfriend.” 

Irvine groaned. “Such a beautiful girl, taken.” 

“And?” Zell urged him to continued. “You know i don’t need like, the intimate updates on your personal life but i still thought you were gay.” 

“I am.” Squall sighed. “Or bi, i guess.” He paused briefly. “I guess i’m arguably pan. I’m still thinking that one over. It could fit i guess.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Zell said and Squall had always appreciated his ability to be easily accepting. “What’s pan?” 

“Pansexual.” Squall said, stopping to sign his name in for the afternoon and letting the other two do the same. “In a nutshell, it’s a much broader version of bi. Like anything goes. I’ll explain it to you later if you want.” 

“Whatever man, long as you’re happy.” Zell said. 

“With a lady friend that pretty, he must be happy. She seemed just as fond of you.” Irvine said. “Which allows me to continue my hypothesis that you must be much nicer to someone you’re dating opposed to us.”

Squall snorted. “That goes without saying. Quit talking about my love life and lets go.” 

“Oh it’s his love life now.” Zell grinned, chasing after Squall as he walked away. They still had to check in and get searched before they were able to start practicing. 

~

Cloud knew Squall was watching him. He could feel the concern in his boyfriends gaze no matter what room he was in. Still, every time he looked Squall was always looking down at his laptop, typing away at some homework assignment. 

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get anything past Squall. For the last two hours he gone back and forth between playing his guitar and getting up to look in the mirror. Nothing about today felt right, not his music or his appearance. It was an itch that he’d been feeling off and on. It didn’t happen often but when it did it left him in a funk. It was the second time it had happened since coming to live with Squall and evidently he wasn’t hiding it as well as he had the first time. 

The itch just got... itchier. He didn’t feel right. He didn’t look right. He wasn’t himself at all. 

The cycle had him back on the couch, playing a soft melody that didn’t fit his mood. He wanted something louder, angrier. He wanted to play something that would reflect his feelings. His confusion and his overall restlessness needed an outlet and music could finally be it now that he had an instrument again. He did love his new guitar. 

The music however would remain low and calm while Squall was doing his homework. Squall had never asked him for such a thing but it felt like a common courtesy. The soft tunes would fill the apartment before Cloud cracked again and went to stare at his reflection again. If he could figure out what was wrong, this feeling would go away. If he could just figure it out. There was no more hiding and all the tools were in front of him but nothing clicked. 

“I like that one.” Squall commented, literally seconds before Cloud was going to toss his guitar aside again. It was like he knew. Squall always picked up on his anxiety. “It’s like a lullaby. Soothing. Makes me tired but in a good way.” 

Cloud offered him a wary smile. “I could put a lullaby together for you.” 

“Yeah?” Squall glanced up from his screen and smiled. “Just for me?” 

Butterflies returned to Cloud’s stomach and his own smile softened. “Yeah, lion. Just for you. Something only you’ll get to hear.” He enjoyed the faint pink to Squall’s cheeks and the subtle shift to his expression that said he was pleased. Squall was possessive in all the right ways. 

“I love it when you spoil me.” he commented. “Thank you. You’ve written a lot of songs since you got that guitar. Or maybe i’m just hearing them for the first time.” 

“A little of both.” Cloud said, playing again. It felt nice to play knowing that Squall was listening rather than him just filling in the silence. Only his music teacher had ever really wanted to listen to him play before but Squall seemed to enjoy it. He wouldn’t ask Cloud to play so much if he didn’t. 

He played for almost a half hour more, enjoying the sound again and actually putting thought into the lullaby. A few words came to mind here and there. A few phrases he could use when writing the lyrics but melody always came first for him. He could play and play until he knew the harmony in his sleep. 

He had a few songs he’d written for Squall and hadn’t had the nerve yet to play them for him. Squall had probably heard bits of the music over the last few days but never the lyrics. Cloud always felt stupid singing a love song but what else was there when it came to Squall. All of his feelings had always gone into his music no matter the mood. He had just as many desperate and sad songs as he did Squall inspired love songs. 

When the music finally slowed, the itch came back. Poking at him that something was wrong with him. That something didn’t feel quite right. 

He set his guitar aside gently and casually walked back into their bedroom. He sighed at the thought he could hardly believe. Their bedroom. He slept better with Squall beside him and Squall hadn’t given so much as a hint that he was unhappy with the arrangement. Both loved to greedily soak up the others attention and did so every chance they got. 

They hadn’t gotten to sex yet, deciding to take things slow but there had been many touches and quite a few straying fingers. It was a slow exploration and they didn’t need sex to know how much they loved each other. Sex would come when they were ready. 

Cloud shut the door, still trying to keep from drawing attention to himself as he looked at his reflection in the mirror in that hung on the back of the door. He looked okay. Casual clothes. Toe nails painted while his fingers were clean. No makeup. That was fine. So why didn’t he look right? Why didn’t he feel right? Why did he feel like he was failing when he didn’t know the topic.

He shifted from side to side, trying to look at every inch of himself. Nothing was wrong. Something was wrong. 

Cloud gasped when the door gently slid open, more startled than he would have liked to admit. Squall peeked in, but his expression was cautious. 

“Hey baby.” 

Cloud put on a smile he knew was too big but he couldn’t help it. “Hi. Done your paper?” 

“For tonight.” Squall nodded, closing the door behind him and sliding his arms around Cloud to hold him close. He turned enough to glance at them in the mirror, maybe trying to see what Cloud saw. “What are you looking at?” 

“Nothing.” Cloud muttered before he sighed, already knowing that answer wasn’t good enough. “Oh, i don’t know.” 

Squall hummed thoughtfully. “You know it’s okay to not know, right?” 

“I know it’s okay, but i hate it.” Cloud said, turning in Squall’s arms to bury his face against his shoulder. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

“Throw out some words.” Squall offered, swaying just enough for Cloud to feel cradled. 

“Stupid.”

“Feeling confused isn’t stupid.” 

Cloud grunted. “Wrong.” 

“Not immediately figuring out what’s right doesn't make you wrong.” 

“I want to hit you right now but you make me feel special when you say shit like that.”

Squall pressed a kiss to his hair. “You wanna hit me because i’m arguing your points?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I want to throw a damn tantrum but that's childish. Having someone to make me feel better is the best thing in the world but…” 

“But you want a second to feel confused and angry and wrong.” Squall guessed. “I guess that makes sense. I can tell you something all day long but it doesn’t matter until you believe it.” 

“That’s it.” Cloud said, pressing closer. “God, that’s it.”

“I understand.” Squall muttered. “And you can just tell me when i’m pushing you too hard. You take the time you need, but you have to promise to at least believe my opinion. I believe you’re beautiful. You’re clever and talented and you’re still figuring things out. That does not make you wrong. Also, i love you.” 

Cloud didn’t answer, but he did let Squall continue to rock him in front of the mirror. It wasn’t long until he heard Cloud make a shaky sob against his shoulder. A second later he stomped out his frustration, hating to cry. 

“I love you.” Squall repeated softly. “I don’t think you’re wrong. Cloud is Cloud. You make me feel whole. You take care of me in so many ways. It’s okay to feel different some days.” 

“I just want…” Cloud sniffed. “I want you to like me.” 

“I do. I love you.” 

“But i don’t even know who i am today!” Cloud hiccuped. “I hate feeling like this.” 

Squall slid his fingers through his hair “Will you let me try to help you figure it out?”

“How?” 

“We go slow. Are you feeling male today?” 

Cloud swallowed. “I dunno. That’s why i hate this.” he pulled away and looked at his reflection again, this time blanching at his puffy eyes. “I don’t not feel like a guy, but i don’t not feel like a woman either. I’ve always just felt like one of the other. It’s easy to figure out.” 

“So it’s not today.” Squall rubbed his back. “That’s okay. Let’s figure out what you are feeling. How do you want your hair?” 

“I don’t know,” Cloud groaned. “Usually on my femme days-” 

Squall caught Cloud in a soft kiss and smiled. “Forget your days. Hair. Right now. Short or long?” 

“Short.” 

“Okay then. Short it is.” He continued to run his fingers through Cloud’s hair. “Earrings?” 

“No.” 

“Makeup?” Squall said, just trying to go down a general kind of list. 

Cloud shrugged. “We’re home so i guess it doesn’t matter. No reason to look fancy.” 

“No.” Squall shook his head. “If you don’t want to, don’t. If you do, it doesn’t matter. You’re not looking fancy for me. You’re feeling good for you.” 

Cloud nodded, face pink. “Maybe just something around the eyes.” 

“Go for it.” Squall sat on their bed with his legs under him while he watched Cloud get his makeup bag. It really only took a few minutes since it was just an at home sort of day. He only added a touch of eye shadow and mascara. 

“Kay.” Cloud said, climbing on the bed next to Squall. “Done.” 

Squall smiled, pulling him closer to kiss gently again. “Clothes? Shirt, dress?” 

“This shirt is fine.” Cloud said, tugging at the tee-shirt he wore. It was a bit too large and was usually something he slept in “Maybe…” He muttered, getting up again and pulling out a flowy knee length skirt. He changed right there, both of them blushing but neither turning away from the others gaze. 

“Pretty.” Squall muttered. “Gonna paint your nails today?” 

“No.” 

“Okay then.” Squall said. “We’re inside but do you want shoes.” 

“Nah.” Cloud climbed back onto the bed. “Does this look okay?” 

“Sure. How do you feel?” 

Cloud shrugged, playing with the hem of his skirt. “I dunno. Not worse. Maybe better. I still don’t know whether i feel more male or female.” 

“Do you have to feel more one or the other? Could be a combination. Both. Neither.” Squall said, lacing his fingers with Cloud’s. “Do you want to try a pronoun change? They instead of he?” 

“I dunno.” Cloud made a face. His non-binary status had always made sense to him but now he was second guessing himself again. He’d always been comfortable with either ‘he’ or ‘she’. ‘They’ had always felt silly.

It was not feeling silly today. 

“We can try and if you don’t like it, we stop?” Squall asked. He could be full of suggestions but it was Cloud who ultimately needed to decide. “And it might even change just like your male and female days.” 

Cloud nodded once, leaning his head on Squall’s shoulder. “I’m sorry i’m a mess. I was hoping i’d figured this out.”

Squall shrugged. “We live a long time, baby. We keep growing, keep changing. There’s a lot to still figure out. I know it’s easier for me to say but i still think it’s true. I really think this is okay. It’s the fluid part of gender fluid. It can change.” 

“I guess you’re right…” 

“How do you feel now?” 

“I think i’m a little better.” Cloud said, pausing to grab Squall’s sweatshirt from the foot of the bed to put on. Nothing he wore matched but he didn’t care. All he needed was to spend the night next to Squall anyway. “Yeah, better.” 

“Good.” Squall smiled. “We have all the time in the world to figure things out, and i’m going to love you no matter how you present.” 

Cloud smiled, his face almost hurting. He shifted closer to Squall and curled up at his side. “I’m sorry i get moody. I love you. I love that you can always make me feel better even when i don’t know what’s wrong. I love that you understand. That you want to try to understand.” 

“You’ve been by my side my whole life.” Squall muttered. “Even if most of it was just words on paper. I need you Cloud. I love you too. I just want you to be yourself.” He drew Cloud into a slow kiss. 

Cloud squirmed, nearly laughing against Squall lips when Squall’s fingers tickled up his bear leg. The casual touching, the intimate touching was a level a trust they’d never had with anyone else. They didn’t want it with anyone else. 

They had only been physically together for a few weeks but feelings had intensified. Shy kisses were still shy but they were also much more frequent. Squall slumped back across the bed, pulling Cloud along with him. 

Cuddling together was the best way to spend their time. The kissing was a bonus. 

“I’m going to make you dinner.” Squall finally announced after they’d finally pulled apart. It was a silly little thing. Both of them could cook decently but Cloud usually got to it first. There were still some things he did routinely out of a desire to ‘earn his keep’. Cooking was one of them. 

“Oh yeah?” Cloud chuckled, almost surprising how much better he felt from the hour prior. 

“Yeah. I’ve no idea what i’m making yet but it’ll probably be good.” Squall smiled, fingers kneading into the back of Cloud’s neck. 

“I believe in you.” 

“That didn’t sound like you believe in me.”

Cloud laughed. “Shut up. You’re fishing for compliments now.” 

“Maybe i am?” 

“Squall?” 

“Mm?” Squall’s eyes crinkled with mirth. 

“Dinner is going to be incredible no matter what you make.” Cloud muttered, brushing a kiss against his jaw. “How was that for sincerity?” 

Squall laughed, moving enough to peck his lips against Cloud’s. “Yes, i have been placated.” 

They pulled apart, still comfortable with each other. The heavy gender dysphoria in the apartment had disbursed for now. 

“C’mon. You wanna play for me while i cook? I love listening to it.”

Cloud grinned. “I love playing for you.” It was hard for him to get over how much Squall supported all of his interests some days. “Hey Squall?” 

“Mm?” Squall glanced back at him with a small smile as they finally left their bedroom. 

“I think i will try ‘they’ for a little while. At least with you. I’m not worried about other people right now.” Cloud muttered. “I don’t even know how often it could come up with just us but…” 

“But if could feel different for you with me in that head space with you.” Squall said. 

“Right.” Cloud was right back to clinging to Squall’s arm. “That’s okay right?” 

Squall turned enough to press their foreheads together and smiled at Cloud like they hadn’t just spend the last half hour cuddling. “If it’s right for you, it’s right for me.” 

“You’re right for me.” Cloud said shyly. 

Squall drew Cloud closer with a rough noise, squeezing him tightly. There was no doubt in Cloud’s mind that Squall was going to make sure the day ended better than it started.

**Author's Note:**

> So i had like 5 scenes i really wanted to add to this story and only 2 of them made it into this part so.. I guess i'll have to start working on part 4.


End file.
